Blog Archives
Never give up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qX9FSZJu448&list=PLB13E1E9CC48D406A&index=1&feature=plcp
I suppose I can sit here for a while and watch this video a million times.
I’m not sure what’s going to happen to me next…
Does life really have to suck?
Some documents I found on my computer
I was “filing” a couple of things in my My Documents folder and found a bunch of documents I’d written and saved. There are 13 of them, or more if I find more that were labeled unclearly. The first of these documents was written May 5, 2011, and the latest I wrote today. This latest one contains a copy and paste blog entry I wrote and decided not to publish. It is saved in my drafts folder.
Let me make it clear that these documents are part of a historical record. Most of them are in the form of letters to my T, and many of these letters I read aloud to her. I wrote the official letter to my T stating that I was firing her on March 11, 2012, my dad’s birthday. I saw her once more and now she is out of my life. Of the documents that are not letters to my T, three I labeled “Dying Wishes” and put them in a separate folder. These were written last July, last October, and then again in December. There is a letter I wrote March 6, 2012 and CC’ed to a number of people regarding how dumb it is to put me in the state hospital. There is a statement in July I made not addressed to anyone in particular about refusing to have a feeding tube put into me and refusing to be hospitalized for the purpose of weight gain. The document I wrote today has two components: a copied and pasted letter to a friend, and today’s unpublished blog entry I mentioned a second ago.
I was thinking of putting these documents, in chronological order, up here and thus made public. I believe the last one, written today I will put up here in a bit. But maybe not.
I have to think about how people are going to react to these documents. Though I do like to stir things up, I think putting them up here is going a step too far. It would be irresponsible for me as a writer, specifically, blogger, to portray such a grim picture of despair and hopelessness worse than I already have. What if it rubs off on someone?
I mean, what am I supposed to say? That there’s hope for you folk out there but no hope for me?
I don’t think it would be right to say that there is hope for everyone, you can do it, never give up, the way a lot of websites do. Why? I’d be bullshitting. It is my responsibility to be honest. I don’t want anyone to become anorexic and the last thing I want is to encourage anyone to do the things I do. I think that this is clear if you read what I say. My desire to be thin is destroying me. I don’t want to see you destroyed or on the destructive path I’m on.
That said, I don’t want anyone else to think that because I am driven to die, that anyone else should be. And if you are, please read this page:
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
And check out this list:
http://unsuicide.wikispaces.com/Online+Suicide+Help
I have never seen this second page before, but I notice that the first link I provided recently updated their page. I’ve gone there a few times and read it, and it helps.
I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve “changed my mind” at the last minute. A lot of it was had something to do with my dog, Puzzle.
My dog Puzzle loves me unconditionally. Let’s face it, humans never do, and never have. Never throw yourself into the arms of another person, because it will either totally suck, or they will dump you and leave you raw and bleeding.
I had a “wake up call” recently, thanks to Puzzle. I’m not sure what to make of it. The problem was that once I woke up, I had to stay awake, and I can’t do it anymore. I have had more wake up calls since leaving therapy mid-March than I had in the entire 31 years of being in therapy.
What I saw in these documents, all stored in My Documents folder, all labeled by their titles, is a steady pounding of making myself die.
I don’t want to be this way. I didn’t ask to be this way. I’m not doing it to control anyone else or play games. There are a lot of “normal” people out there that have a death wish. Everyone has one, but most people’s is so tiny that it only appears in nightmares on very rare occasions. My death wish is fucking huge.
It would be one thing if this lasted a couple of weeks, or a month. But no, it has been right here and of unbelievable intensity for a fucking year. More, actually.
I have heard of four-year-olds that are suicidal. They are wired that way. What do you do with these kids?
And so I am 50 years older than these kids. What do you do with me? Is there such thing as non-retractable suicidality? What the hell do you do with these people?
Well, most therapists won’t take them on, for one thing. Liability. You can discard them by putting them into the state hospital. I suppose that’s where many end up once their insurance runs out.
Again: unwanted, unloved, rejected, excluded…which feeds into the suicidality. Lovely.
The rest are dead.
I am not dead. I am running for my life. I am scared of the state hospital. I repeat, these places are not hospitals. They are dumping grounds. They are prisons. Buried alive.
The state hospital systems were built as humane alternatives to imprisonment. People with mental illnesses were being housed in prisons and put in chains. Someone decided this was wrong. But the state hospital systems went astray long, long ago. They are being closed down for this reason. Condemned. But people still end up there. What do you do with the disposables?
Some, the lucky ones, run for their lives. I am running. Many are still running. Some ended up in a safe, positive place. Not a hospital or institution. They found a safe place to build, or rebuild.
I have no clue how to do this.
So I guess I’ll just keep running. I’ll run out of steam eventually, and then whatever happens, happens.
Julie Greene is back: Never fear, I am always here
My blog disappeared. Wow. I received an e-mail from a friend letting me know and asking me if I was okay. It was a good thing cuz I was able to straighten out the whole thing very quickly and get back to my same ole online presence loud and clear and big-mouthed as ever. It was an automatic computer thingy that wordpress dot com does that I don’t want to mull over. Well, I do. But I want to let you know that I’m back.
I do not shut up.
I made up my mind quite some time back that if I see something that is flat out wrong, along the lines of social injustice, I’m not going to waste time getting therapized as a way to fix the social injustice.
You do not make applesauce by putting a chicken in the oven. Cuz no matter how well you spice the chicken, you will never, ever end up with applesauce.
(Oh, by the way, mention of specific foods is “triggering” to people, or so I’ve been told. I’m not going to delete my metaphor. Deal with your entriggerment any healthy or unhealthy way you want. I haven’t actually stuck chicken and applesauce on a table and demanded that you eat it, have I?)
If I, personally, take a pill to dull my passion about this social injustice.
If I am going to sit in a group and talk about it, it’s not going to be a group that teaches me to cope with passion. It’s not going to be a group that teaches me to correct my thinking patterns. My thinking patterns are wonderful. My thinking is what makes me who I am. If I write something that isn’t fresh and special, if it says nothing new, there’s no reason to put it out there or expect that anyone will consider reading or listening. This goes for all writers. Treasure your uniqueness and let it take you to a place where no one has ever, ever been. Tread unbroken ground. This is the revolution.
If I am to be part of a group of human beings, we will make change. We will plan, and act. We will compare ideas. We will consider possibilities and dreams and hopes.
We will rethink our own backyards and cultivate them a new way. This is the beginning of change.
I have a personal stake in this. Of course, I didn’t need to say that, because it is redundant. This is change. The personal and the political are inseparable. I knew it all along, well before I stumbled into my eating disorder, and then, year after year, walked the path of the downtrodden, the misunderstood, the invisible.
I am blessed because of this mission. So few have this opportunity. I have the strength, the ability, the courage, the gift, the driven nature within me, and the dire necessity to do this. Is it my duty? I don’t see life that way. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been a parent. I do this because it’s my only option, my only way out. To survive I must continue to strive toward change.
I made a sister site. It’s in the workings, barely started.
Here’s the link:
adreamforus.wordpress.com The one post I made describes what the site will be about. I love you folks so much.
Interesting link…and a brief comment from me
NOTE: I HAD A LINK TO THE ARTICLE, BUT REMOVED THE LINK. Just a technicality. Sorry about that. I’ll substitute instead a bit of more explanation in my own words of the topic that was explored in the article, so you won’t be completely lost.
*****************
I think it’s an interesting idea that this author has come up with to start with, but she goes on by assuming way, way too much.
Much of it narrows down “the sufferer” to someone who is young and lives with their parents. The article assumes that the sufferer goes to college or possibly has a job, and then turns to the Internet for comfort to these pro-_n_ sites. Already, that wipes out a whole bunch of us who don’t fit those categories, namely that we were surrounded by others to begin with and that we had activity outside the home as opposed to caring for children in the home, retired, working at home, or not working for any other reason. These “others” are assumed to be parents that pressure the sufferer to eat. A lot of us don’t have parents around us, or our parents are not living, or our parents don’t give a shit. Many people either don’t have online access easily available, or don’t enjoy Internet use and choose not to spend time on the computer. For many, online support is the last thing they’d consider. How many people really go to these pro_n_ sites, then? I’ve never been to one. I don’t want a virus. I guess that’s the main reason, to be honest. So really, the author is talking about a very slim portion of the population when she draws her conclusion that anorexia is some sort of computer-age illness, some new media fad.
I think people are coming out of the closet more, for one thing. I think it was like the Fourth Son who didn’t even know how to ask a question at the Passover Seder. He pretty much got discredited and passed over. Lack of knowledge. So you don’t come out of the closet, you don’t know what you are suffering from, or you do damn well know and don’t dare admit it…and guess what? You don’t matter, anyway. Cuz you didn’t get brainwashed and didn’t end up in Irina Webster’s article.
See ya. I’m visible, and getting less brainwashed by the minute, never fear.
The BEST eating disorders blog
Two You-Tubes about Weight Bias
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=92rWQ-OIb1Y
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxzejNE0RT8
While I watched the second clip, I really cried in the end when Ralph hit his home run. Wish I could prove ‘em all wrong like that.
I will talk more about biases people have based on ignorance. Like assumptions people automatically make when they hear the words “I have anorexia nervosa.”
What assumptions do you make? What judgments do you make? Do you put yourself above me? Do you walk away and shake your head? Do you think you are wiser and smarter than I am or more grown up? Do you think you love God more, or believe in a better God? Do you think I have fallen away from God, or that I am a sinner? Do you hate me because you fear me? Do you fear me because you think I might die and you are afraid to die, too? Are you scared to look at me? Do you think I am unhealthy to be around? Do you think I am a bad fit for your group, or that I never belonged in the first place because I am DIFFERENT? Do you think that I made a bad choice and am now paying for it? Do you think I am vain and a shallow thinker with poor values? Do you think something is wrong with me because I’m not all better by now?
Are you unable to forgive me because I have not ended up on the straight path to wellness? Are you angry at me because you prayed for me and your prayers were not answered?
You know, a prayer is a request. It’s like throwing a question out there. As a writer, I like to answer questions creatively, and the written answer I come up with may not be the one you expected. It may not be the one I expected, either.
But if there is a God and if this God answers prayers and if this God is excellent in every way you can imagine, I would bet that even if you asked for a cup of coffee and that was what you received, it would be given to you in a way so unexpected that if I were to attempt to write about what you, or anyone experienced, my words would flow off the computer screen and beyond my own coffee cup, and language would turn itself upside-down forever.
There’s the home run, folks.
Check out this link
I found this on Snopes. I have often been on psychiatric units where a bunch of patients pooled money together and ordered pizza. Usually, the delivery folks brought it right up to the door. Patients ordered other stuff, such as Chinese food, subs, etc.
No, we don’t bite. Well, then again, we do.
http://www.snopes.com/medical/asylum/fbipizza.asp
The Revolution is Love
http://occupylove.org/occupy-wall-st-the-revolution-is-love/
Here is the same video with the text written in (English):
