Monthly Archives: June 2010
I invented this about a week or two ago.
EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN CASSEROLE #1: BARLEY AND LENTILS
1 cup dry hulled (not pearled) barley
1 cup dry green lentils
1 cup fresh coarsely grated Romano cheese
1 large clove fresh garlic, pressed
1/4 teaspoon fresh powdered ginger
1 stalk celery, diced 1/2 inch
1 cup coarsely chopped fresh mushrooms
4 scallions, chopped medium
2/3 cup nonfat cottage cheese with pineapple
About 1/2 cup tomato soup or tomato and red pepper soup of your choice
About 3 tbsp whole sesame seeds
Cook the barley by boiling it with 2 cups water and then allowing to simmer on very low heat until done, about 45 minutes. Cool in the refrigerator. Cook the lentils in 2 cups water by boiling vigorously, uncovered, for three minutes, then simmer on low heat, covered, for 20 minutes until done. Taste-test the lentils and make sure they are to your liking. Do not overcook. Allow to cool.
Preheat oven to 350.
Mix together the lentils and barley. Add the cheese, garlic, and ginger. Mix very well. Add the vegetables. Fold in the cottage cheese, and add just enough soup to make the mixture hold together. You may need more than 1/2 cup.
Lightly grease a 9×13 baking pan. Distribute the mixture evenly in the pan. Top with sesame seeds. Cover with foil and bake for 30 minutes. Remove from oven and allow to cool, covered, for ten minutes. Enjoy.
I am going to start posting my recipes. I just made this tonight. I made it with marinara sauce, not soup, but I think it will be better with soup. Here’s the recipe:
1 cup lentils
4 cloves garlic
About 3 T butter
About a pound lean ground turkey
A small top of broccoli
2 or 3 scallions
4 or 5 mushrooms
About 6 oz non-tomato vegetable soup (cream of broccoli, mushroom, etc)
2 slices cheddar, or American cheese
About 3 T sesame seeds
Boil the lentils in 2 cups water for 4 minutes, lower heat and simmer 20 minutes with pressed garlic, add 1/2 cup water if needed to finish cooking, do not overcook. Remove from heat.
Cut up potatoes, do not remove skins, and set over vegetable steamer to cook. Keep over medium high heat. Remove from heat when finished.
Begin cooking turkey in cast-iron pan, chopping up with spoon to separate. Remove from heat when cooked.
Put potatoes into a bowl and add liquid from meat, and also add butter to potatoes. Mash. Set aside.
Preheat oven to 350.
In a 9 x 13 pan, coat with soup. Add meat. Cut the flowers off the small head of broccoli, and distribute evenly over the meat, then chop the scallions and also distribute over the broccoli. Slice the mushrooms and do likewise. Spoon the potato on top and spread with a firm spatula over the top so that it evenly covers everything. Chop the cheese finely and distribute on top. Evenly coat with sesame seeds. Cover with foil and bake for 40 minutes. Serve hot. Serves 6-8.
I took the bus to see my mother. She needed help with her computer. It takes a full hour and a half to get to her place, because she lives in the far end of her town. I think it’s a 20 or 25 minute drive by car, traffic depending.
I always bring a snack to eat on the bus: gorp and juice. I water down the juice and bring it in a large bottle. Gorp is very portable. It’s also called trail mix. It’s high in calories and good energy food. I get the kind without chocolate in it.
I sat next to a very large woman. She appeared to weigh over 250 pounds, though I am not a good judge of weight. She was barely five feet tall. She took up a seat and a half. I only needed the remaining half seat. So I sat.
Why did I feel so strange taking my gorp out of my pack and eating it? I didn’t want to eat gorp in front of this large woman. I didn’t want to eat anything in front of her. Why did I have such a prejudiced attitude–I, who criticized others for having biased opinions in my previous entry here at this blog? Was I–in my mind–being cruel to this woman, judging her, making assumptions–what was I assuming, anyway? Was I assuming anything? Was I assuming that I would make her uncomfortable by eating gorp–or anything–in front of her? Was I afraid that she would judge me? Was I thinking she was thinking: “She will get fat if she eats that!” Or–“Look at her, eating that fattening food and not gaining weight!” Maybe, on the other hand, she was lost in thought and would hardly have noticed I was eating anything at all.
The large woman got off the bus at the mall and I never saw her again.
Then, I ate my gorp and drank my juice. People got on. No one chose to sit next to a skinny girl eating gorp and drinking juice. Their choice.
I arrived at my mother’s exactly on time. She offered me food. I turned her down, saying I had just ate. The truth. I went straight to her computer, installed Flash, which took ten seconds, and figured out what has been baffling her: she clicks on something in her e-mail, and a new Firefox tab opens. Once the new tab opens, she no longer sees her e-mail on the screen. She thinks her e-mail has disappeared, and that she can no longer get into it. This has been baffling her for at least a year. I explained to her the basics of Firefox, that you can click on the tab and bring its contents to the forefront. I explained how to x out a tab, and how to click on the plus sign to bring up a new, blank tab. I demonstrated. I said, “Next time your e-mail seems to disappear, do THIS (I demonstrated) and it will come back.” I am instantly a miracle worker.
As I was leaving, my mother commented on my weight. She said something about my tiny waistline. It wouldn’t have hurt except for the fact that she was so specific. Not for long, I thought. I am waiting for her next comment: “You’ve gotten rotund!” Trust me, even if I’m still skinny next time I see her, she will say it.
Back on the bus. The ride home. I was hungry. I am always hungry. I ate my second dose of gorp. I have gained four and a half pounds in three weeks. I brushed my hair aside, and in so doing, I noticed my cheek had more flesh on it than it had three weeks ago.
As I write this, I feel my cheek again. No kidding. This is not my imagination. I must indeed be a miracle worker.
When you think about it, anorexia is dumb. I mean, when I look at my body and see all the bones–my rib cage showing, all the bones showing in my chest, my skinny arms and legs, my wrinkly stomach, my shoulder bones sticking out, my armpits caved in, all my face bones sticking out–jeepers–why did I do this stupid thing to myself? I look damned ugly like this. I must gross people out who look at me all skinny like this. It’s so damned unnatural. I look like a freaking skeleton with a bit of flesh on it, a couple of muscles, and skin. At least my hands look normal.
People comment. For godsakes. “Sorry, I didn’t see you there. You’re so tiny.” Or, “There’s more room for you here than there is for me.” I don’t say, “You’re fat,” do I? Reverse fat discrimination. They think they’re making me feel good for being super skinny. People are supposed to feel good if they’re thin.
I also get stares. Or rude comments on the bus. Comments from people who are going to be rude anyway. They just say it out loud because they are rude people. “Look at her.” “Too skinny.” “Don’t you eat?” And when I don’t answer, “I asked you a question….Guess she doesn’t talk.” By the time I hear them, I am deep into a book and don’t care. Or at least I think I don’t care.
So why was I trying to make it worse? Did I actually like being ugly, being bony, having this and that stick out, having very little flesh? Once, a long time ago when I was anorexic, I thought I had a lump in my breast, and it turned out to be a rib. I actually went and had a mammogram of it. I was 38 years old.
I don’t restrict anymore. I miss it something wicked. I miss having an empty stomach all the time. I miss the discomfort. I miss feeling weak. I miss wondering how long I can last. I miss the challenge of it. I miss thinking that I’m stronger than other people because I can tolerate hunger better than anyone. Truth is, I wasn’t very strong at all. Anorexia zaps you of one heck of a lot of strength.
I got weighed at the doctor’s today. I have gained a total of four and a half pounds. That’s nearly five. I’m supposed to feel great about this. Before the appointment, I hated myself for gaining weight. I kept telling myself how horrible I felt over it, and how I regretted this weight-gaining business, how I never should have agreed to it in the first place. After I stepped on the scale, though, I felt proud, though, for making it through another week. Oy.
This ED is very powerful. Everything in me is fighting against this. I feel sometimes as though I am barely staying afloat. I feel as though I need a lot of support around this. I don’t know where I am anymore. It is all brand new. Wow.
NOTE: The Reading of This Hunger Is Secret tomorrow is at 8am tomorrow Eastern Time, 5am California Time
Summer Slumberfest is an all-night event. Yes, I will be reading at 5am California time. That’s 8am Eastern Time tomorrow. See the previous entry for the link to the online site where my reading will be streamed in.
I received the following just now in my e-mail inbox:
In light of the recent controversy over the “Eat Less” Urban Outfitters womens t-shirt, MEDA sent the following response to Urban Outfitters demanding the item no longer be sold.
“To Whom It May Concern:
This letter is in response to Urban Outfitters’ “Eat Less V-neck tee” which is being sold online under the category “Women’s Tops/Tees/Graphic Tees & Tanks.”
On behalf of the 11 million individuals in the United States who struggle with Anorexia Nervosa and/or Bulimia Nervosa, as well as the 16.7 million children who live in food insecure households, we write this letter to express our extreme outrage.
The message on this shirt is insensitive and quite honestly undoes much of the excellent eating disorder prevention work that takes place in this country each day. Anorexia Nervosa is characterized by caloric restriction, weight loss and obsessive thoughts around food, body and weight. For females ages 15-24 (a prime demographic of your clothing store), the mortality rate associated with Anorexia Nervosa is 12 times higher than the death rate for all other causes of death. In fact, Anorexia Nervosa has the highest premature fatality rate of any mental illness.
The statistics above are not meant to scare you and by no means are we stating that the media is solely to blame for the increasing rates of Eating Disorders in our country. However, you have a responsibility as an organization that caters to a vulnerable population (teenage and young adult females) to think before choosing to sell a product like this. Would you ever sell a t-shirt with the words “Binge Drink More” or “Less Condoms”?
We ask that you stop selling this product immediately.”
Many professionals like their patients to personify the ED and call it/him “Ed.” They actually have their patients talk to Ed, and talk about Ed as if he were a person. My therapist has Ed talk to her. I play the role of Ed, and tell my therapist why I, as Ed, am enslaving Julie.
Well, no more.
By personifying Ed, I am giving the ED more power than it deserves. By continuing to relate to the ED as a living, speaking Being with an actual personality, I am assuming, and telling others, such as my therapist, that “Ed” is my “master” and I am his “slave,” and that I do whatever “he” tells me to do.
But the ED is not a “he.” The ED is an illness, not a person. Yes, eating disorders are very powerful. My eating disorder has a lot of power over me, and I have been in its grips for a long time now. I have been delusional because of it. I have done things that don’t make the least bit of sense because of it. I have harmed my body because of it. I have put my life at incredible risk because of it. I have lied and cheated because of it. I have rendered my treatment team useless because of my dishonesty. My ED has affected all areas of my life.
My friends have been incredibly worried about me. I have not always been honest with them, and they knew this. I did not know that they knew this. It turned into a sticky mess. There were some pleading e-mails. There were some e-mails that I did not like. There was a lot of sobbing, screaming, pacing, and pillow-punching on my end.
The ED is powerful all right. But I will no longer call it “Ed.” I will no longer talk to my therapist and tell her whether “Ed” is in the room or not. The ED is not a person. The ED is with me whether I like it or not. Right now, it’s a part of me and it is in me. I do speak with an “ED voice” sometimes. This is a small, girlish voice. I don’t know where this comes from, but maybe it’s just an offshoot of my mental patient days and has nothing to do with the ED.
I am becoming increasingly honest in my day-to-day affairs. I cringe when I lie. I am more honest with my friends. Sometimes, I withhold the truth, though. But it comes out when I’m ready to tell it and when/if it’s appropriate to tell it. This is brand new.
Well, a new life. Onward.