I do not want to be seen

As it turn out, yesterday evening, as I was walking Puzzle, I was thinking that I couldn’t be happier, and I was hoping that I would remember October 2010 as the happiest month of this year (unless November and December were happier).  I felt like celebrating.  I walked with a spring in my step.  Puzzle and I walked for about an hour and fifteen minutes.

Okay, okay, I admit I’ve been walking Puzzle an awful lot.  I admit I’ve been exercising compulsively.  I noticed it especially this morning.  After our long walk yesterday afternoon, we walked another hour and fifteen minutes this morning, about all my bad knee can take.  I think in the past week, we’ve covered over 15 miles.  (Twice that if you count the fact that I see double.)

What I mean by exercising compulsively is not the hours walked or distance covered, but how I walked.  Like this morning.  I felt like I had to walk those extra blocks.  When I put on Puzzle’s leash to go out, I felt compelled to walk as far as I could.  I felt that I was walking not to give Puzzle exercise so much as to burn calories.  Nonetheless, we had a blast.

In a way, I know one reason why we did it.  I was kinda pissed.  Over something really, really stupid, some little interpersonal thing that has nothing to do with anything really, just my friends who left me back in early August, a little thing came up that hurt my feelings.  I don’t know why I let it do that.  I should just let them go, but I continue to let these little things bother me.  So I exercised compulsively.  I suppose there could have been worse things I could have done.  Lots worse.  I could have bought a bottle of booze and gone drunk driving, and to make things worse, I don’t have a car, so I would have had to steal one (or a license–so watch out, world).

Okay.  That was one thing.  Then I came home.  Paced.  Couldn’t get that little incident off my mind.  I wanted to work on my Nano outline but I was too distracted.  So then it was time to have breakfast with Frank via Skype, and I told him what had happened.  We both agreed that it would be best to just let it go and not let it affect my eating.

So I did my best.  Meanwhile, I was trying to stop my tongue from coming out of my mouth while I ate.  This, I had thought, was a bad habit.  I had thought I needed to break the habit now that I was eating in front of someone.  Bad habit?  Wrong-o.  It is Tardive Dyskinesia.  If you haven’t heard me talking about Tardive Dyskinesia before or don’t know what it is, look it up.  I tried to stop my tongue from coming out of my mouth while eating and guess what?  I couldn’t stop the “habit.”  It just won’t stay in.  Not only that, but my cheeks feel tense all the time, and I seem to swallow and tense my mouth.  This has just started today, though the tongue-while-eating habit has been going on for a while.  I just thought I was licking my lips to get food goo off of them.

This might be from lowering the Risperdal, and if it is, then it is temporary and will go away.  On the other hand, it could be from having taken Risperdal, a long-term effect, and it could be finally manifesting itself, and it may never go away.  In other words, my dears, this could be permanent.  Here forever.  Lip-smacking, tongue-sticking-out, etc.

I will never, never, never eat in front of my mother again.   Never.  She would come up with the nastiest things to say.  I know her.  Too well.  In fact, I don’t even want to see her ever, ever again.  I don’t want to be seen.

I don’t want to be seen.  I don’t want people to see me smacking my lips and tongue.  I want to cover my mouth the way I want to cover my skinny body.  Maybe I should cover my mouth with a bandanna, just tie it around my head.  Now, there’s a thought.  Or wear one of those masks people wear to keep their germs from spreading.  I am so afraid to eat in public, like at a restaurant.

“It.”  That’s what I’ve been calling it all day since it started.  “It.”

Okay, more bad news.  As they say, adding insult to injury.  I went to my T’s office to tell her all this, and she tells me the clinic where she is working is going to close December 2nd.  Great.  Just great.

Long pause.  Or there would have been a long pause.  But there wasn’t.

My T said that she was applying to work at another clinic, and was expecting to get the job–probably–and that I could see her there.  It is on the bus line, right on the bus line, a different bus, a longer commute, but very accessible to me.

I am truly honored that she chose to continue working with me.  She is “terminating” with almost all of her clients that she presently sees.

Why me, I wonder?  I guess she has her reasons.  I did not ask.

So we’ll see.  She should hear from the new clinic very, very soon.  All I can do is hope that they accept her.  They are waiting for references, and I told her that she could use Puzzle for a reference.  My T said, “But she’s only a dog.”

Only?  Only?

I told my T that Puzzle counted, because she wears handmade sweaters from Yours Truly.  I suppose, then, we’ll be getting some calls soon.  Or at least Puzzle will.

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