I am putting the Trileptal back to its original dose–Hello, Dr. P

I decided, after a horrendous three days of eating binges, to put the Trileptal back to its original dose.  According to my records, I sprained my ankle March 25th and subsequently lowered the dose April 8th without the blessing of my psychiatrist, Dr. P.  I never told her.  The main reason I lowered it was that I had a lot of trouble walking and running on the treadmill at the gym.  This of course was completely unacceptable to me.

One side effect of Trileptal is ataxia, weakening of the extremities, which includes the ankles and wrists.  The test for this is for the patient to stand with his/her feet together, hold his/her arms out in front, and close her/his eyes.  If she/he sways, she/he has ataxia.  It was obvious that I had this side effect.  I knew, knew, knew that it was from the Trileptal and not from my other medications, because it started when I started taking Trileptal.  After all, I was perfectly capable of using the treadmill before, wasn’t I?

However, I was given Trileptal to help with bingeing.  It worked.  When I lowered the Trileptal from 600 to 300 and the swaying stopped, I still promised myself that if the bingeing started up, I would think twice about having lowered it.  Bingeing Hell is not a place anyone wants to go.  Did I keep that promise I made to myself?  No!  I lowered the medication further a week ago.  I became miserable.

Last night, I put two and two together, that is…150 and 150, and 300 and 300 t0 make 600 together again.  I don’t want to muck around with my meds again.  After three days of utter Bingeing Hell, I have had enough.

Dr. P, I totally respect you.  Yes, you were wrong about the cause of the “swaying.”  But you were right that lowering the Trileptal did “destabilize” me.  I will go back.  I will go back to the security of the dose that you put me on, the dose that I left McLean at last winter, a therapeutic dose that works for me.

Now that I won’t be on the treadmill, what does it matter if I can use it properly or not?  What does it matter?  Really?  I know I can keep my balance on all the other machines at the gym just fine on 600 mgs Trileptal.  So what’s the big deal?  How can I function in my life if I’m living in Bingeing Hell?  If I’m bingeing, I won’t be at the gym anyway.  So there  you have it.

Today, I’m picking up the pieces.  Organizing my life.  Doing a bit of cleaning up around here and organizing my thoughts.  Just doing a lot of thinking and assessing my situation.  I woke up this morning not wishing I was dead, but determined to stop the bingeing and carry on with my life.  And that’s something.

It’s a start, anyway.

Posted on June 18, 2011, in News about Me, The Starvation Transformations and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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