I’ve been through this all before. I get tired of the blame game. I make excuses, just to get people off my back.For why I can’t get things done.
For why I quit after my job is only half done.
For why I can’t “just do it.”
For why “cleaning” usually means moving the same mess from one end of the room to the end no one sees, and then, giving up.
For why my appearance isn’t much beyond “shabby.”

For why I only pretend to count my change.
For why I only guess at the meaning of what you are saying, but thank you anyway.
For why I heard your response, but am still clueless and still lost.

For why most of my stuff gets misplaced, and I give up trying to look for it.
I can’t see a damn thing anymore.
For why I’ve stopped caring.

For why things slip out of my hands.
For there is this “CRASH!” in the night.
One more thing I dropped on the floor.

I know this isn’t laziness.
Nor “bad attitude.”
I can’t get my mind to work right anymore.
This is due to cognitive deficit similar to what elderly people experience
When they have dementia.
I went through the same thing in 2013, due to malnutrition.
It was temporary, and my thinking was restored when I ate food.

This cognitive deficit is what happens to a person due to poor sleep over a long period. For me, it’s been four years of barely sleeping, night after night. I’m surprised I’m not dead. I’m surprised I have not gone into total organ failure. I take that back, I did go into organ failure in 2013.

So what now?

Yes, I did get this diagnosed and confirmed. Chronic insomnia due to trauma, which some of you might choose to call PTSD, or hypervigilant state. The person said this was not only “obvious” but that it was malpractice that my previous providers mistook what was happening to me for “mania,” “mood disorder,” or “paranoia,” completely denying that the abuse had occurred when I clearly stated that it had. What they did, in fact, worsened the trauma reaction. I had informed the providers of this, too.

I don’t want any further blame.  I just can’t think straight. Quit yelling at me. Leave me at peace.

Yes, I’m still not unpacked from moving. My hair’s a mess. I just tie it again and hope no one notices. If I put something down, it’s lost for another week. I can’t find the caps to bottles, the tops to boxes, the other sock, nor does anything match anymore. When I really can’t stand it, I throw things out. I can’t be bothered.

Don’t criticize, you will NEVER know what I go through. I don’t want fucking HELP around the house, above all, not that. Only stop that nonstop, battering criticism. “Why can’t you……” Shut the fuck up. But no, that voice is a memory, only a voice from the past. Gone now. Relax.

There are no sirens anymore. No stretchers. No more locked wards. I can forget. Or try.

“Why can’t you….”

All I want is to lie down, I am so tired. I wonder how many disability claims are taken out due to insomnia alone.  I feel that this is the one thing that has kept me from going on with my life.  Due to insomnia, I have accomplished barely anything in years.  I am too fucking exhausted.  I remember telling this to people a couple of years ago. No one listened, or if they did, they didn’t believe me nor take me seriously.

Now what?


Posted on July 30, 2015, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. downcastmysoul

    Insomnia crippled me after only a few months and had me running into the waiting arms of psychiatry after only a few months. You are strong and courageous to start over in a new country with only a few things and a dog. I’m still shamefully hooked on the “benzos” they gave me after my big anxiety attack in Jan 2011 even though my dose is lower. The only way I could sleep during insomnia was exercise daily and watch massage (back massage, nothing dirty) vids at night…and STILL I’d get the nightmares. When I go to bed I wear my headphones and try to think of nothing. Maybe a quick prayer up to God, that’s all. I used to have to fantasize about stories in my head to sleep but now with the pill I just lay down with the music and think of nothing because if I was to start to think in the “watches of the night” I might not sleep.


    • Yeah, it’s funny, I never have a problem falling asleep, or rarely. I only sleep an hour or two, and I only doze, I don’t sleep deeply. I am so happy if ever I dream, I don’t even care if it’s a nightmare. I tell myself, “At least it was a dream! At least I was asleep!” No matter how scary it was, I am thrilled anyway. Right now I am just plain tired constantly, always dragging, always so tired I feel on the verge of collapse. That’s my life 24/7.


      • downcastmysoul

        That was a problem, too. I’d be real sleepy then sleep 2 hours and that’s it. My folks were insomniac as well. I happen to need the sleep to function, though. Bad dreams can ruin my whole day. You NEED to sleep. You have to find a way, hopefully NOT drugs.


      • Most of ’em make me extremely sick anyway. Not to worry. I got desperate one day, though, and decided to try cough syrup. The person must have heard me wrong, though. I paid a fortune for this cough syrup only to read up on what I’d bought, “This medicine has the advantage of NOT being sedating.” Hadn’t I said, “Por las noches”? Maybe I said the wrong thing. Maybe she thought I wanted to stay awake all night!


      • downcastmysoul

        No NyQuil there? Forget that. It will make you sleep but it isn’t worth it. Somebody told me peanut butter will make you sleepy and so does hot milk but you probably know that….you take a large spoon of PB and lick it off slowly and it’s supposed to be a natural tranquilizer. There’s also melatonin.


      • You know what happened to Charlie Brown, don’t you? The peanut butter stuck to the roof of his mouth. Lucy said that proved that he was lonely. Uh oh.


      • downcastmysoul

        I never liked it much anyway. Used to get a lot of PB at food banks, etc….


      • I like it okay. But since it was a former binge food I cut it out of my diet a long time ago. I saw it at the food pantries, too, but even though it was free I passed it up. I knew if I brought it home I’d eat the entire jar all at once. Sadly, many foods still do that to me, though less and less. It’s wisest for me to stay away from them.


      • downcastmysoul

        I binged on it in HS then got tired of it. It’s better in chinese dishes, etc..PBJ is the plainest of foods.


      • naw, it couldn’t be. It’s got a cute acronym.


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