Pot of soup, cooked on the fire

image

I couldn’t be happier. To survive the impossible. To live again. To be free.

Puzzle and I got soaked in the rain today. I suppose that was shower #2 for me and #1 for Puzzle.

We are happy. I think Puzzle is happy mostly because of her yummy dinner. Fish smoked over the fire. We will enjoy a walk tonight. The sun is setting. I will eat in dim light. I will sleep well. Puzzle will sleep even better.

After the rain

image

I came home after having coffee with my friend. On the way home, I got drenched and so did Puzzle. I knew I had enough wood and kindling to make a fire. I was determined to teach myself how to cook on an open fire. I was able to get the fire going on the first try. After a bit I cut up some veggies,  threw them into a pot,  and gave it a whirl.

Voila!  Lunch!  added an egg, too.  Now I want to try to make Puzzle’s dinner over the same fire. But I think she’s hogging it right now.

Are you a student, writer, or computer user who suffers from insomnia?

While doing another desperate search for answers to this persistent insomnia I have, I came across a little computer program that cuts down on screen glare when the sun sets in your region. I was skeptical but decided to give it a try. It’s so wicked cool!

Here’s the name of the program: f.lux. Go to justgetflux.com and you’ll find the program. That I know of, it won’t install a toolbar or other adware onto your computer, and it doesn’t even give you options to install those nasty things.

After installation, click on the tray icon and then the lines at the upper right of the screen. This will bring up settings. You can choose a color scheme to use right when the sun sets. All you have to do is to tell it where you are. It won’t use “location” on your computer. I looked on FAQ and found that having your computer set to the right time zone could possibly cause the program to dim at the wrong time. Go check and make sure your clock is correct.

As for the colors…wow. I can still read off the screen fine! And it’s wicked dim. I see sorta orange in the background but the text is nice and dark!

Do I think this will help insomnia? Doubtful. but now I can turn off my desklamp and do the computer in the dark without eyestrain. So I am saving electricity!  Nice dim room, no glare.

And this program is entirely free. I don’t remember registering it even. Dang, why pay an arm and a leg for a hypnotist when a techie does it for far less!

I haven’t had one decent night of sleep for three and a half years. I cannot sleep beyond one or two hours  consistently every single night, and I’m not manic or anxious nor do I have nightmares. Running hasn’t changed a thing. When I am under stress (such as financial) I don’t sleep any worse. I fall asleep fine but my body autmoatically wakes up and never really sleeps deeply. I’m sure it’s not sleep apnea and I’m totally stumped at this point. My former doctors refused to give me medical care nor did they provide any reasonable answers to what’s going on with me. I was refused an exam. Actually, I hope i never see another doctor for as long as I live.

However, I’m so desperate for sleep at this point that I am considering marijuana. Sleeping pills don’t do anything at all for me. But that’s a last resort. I’d rather die than ever return to shrinkage.  And I can’t go to acupuncture every day due to the cost.

Acupuncture works well. It’s more powerful than any pill, and if you’ve never tried it then you can’t say “It doesn’t work.” I can’t stand it when people are closed minded, but they’ll put any psych pill in their mouths just cuz “doctor” says it’s safe. Bunch of haughty rich assholes they are. Ditch ‘em and you’ll be a lot healthier.

Bicicletas. I want one.

image

Ambiguous….

I am on Project Heal’s mailing list. I absolutely love the idea that kids started this project. I absolutely love that kids understood the need and are so generous to devote their time and energy to this project.  I agree that unbiased  research is sorely lacking. I agree that our medical system is run on money and not on compassion for everyone who suffers. Insurance parity isn’t the answer because insurance has everything to do with money and nothing to do with health. It saddens me that people have to take airplanes to get “help.”  People can get treatment for most cancers in every major city in the USA. They can get treatment for AIDS in most urban areas across the USA. They can get a flu shot in the pharmacy or supermarket and they are in fact running after people with needles as we speak. But what’s this with eating disorders? No one can find decent care, it seems. You gotta move, take a plane,  commute some ungodly distance, drain your parents’ money, default on your college loan, and then what? If you don’t, er, “recover” on first or second try, get kicked out of the house and disowned.

I do think Project Heal is a good idea. I was even going to apply. Then I realized that there wasn’t really any humane care out there. I realized that I didn’t want to apply for a scholarship to go to yet another lockup joint or pay to be supervised like a kindergartener. Although I do know folks that like that kinda stuff.

I believe in more radical change. I won’t meet anyone halfway on this. NO LOCKUP. NO COERCION. I believe in honesty. I believe in respect. I believe in full disclosure. I believe the individual human body is private.  I believe that all humans are competent, sovereign individuals and that freedom and autonomy should never be taken away. I don’t see any “treatment” center that follows these principles.

I reject the medical model. I reject psychiatry’s insistence on having their fingers into the eating disorders pie. Even shrinks who are specialists are rather clueless as to what really goes on with a person who has serious eating problems.

The therapists who specialize in ED tend to be controlling, manipulative, and power-hungry.  Don’t be fooled by their “compassion” and “oh, I understand.” Because they want your money and they thrive on running your life.

I am sitting here outdoors waiting for my amigo where we have coffee daily. He is due to arrive by bus shortly. I came here to Uruguay by choice to free myself of forced care, coercion, and bigotry.

I don’t see a therapist or shrink of any kind. This was at first not by choice. I fired an abuser then tried to find another one and couldn’t. Then I made the decision I didn’t want to go back to any sort of shrinkage whatsoever. I can’t say leaving therapy after three decades of that crap was easy. It was a lonely road. But I am thankful that I embarked on this journey.

While in “care,” I was never happy. I felt like a slave. Those obligatory appointments dragged me down, as did the constant threats and accusations.

One of my better therapists once accused me of being “danger to self” based on the following: I had arrived at my appointment sopping wet from the waist down because I had to walk a distance from the bus in a rainstorm. An umbrella does only so much. I got chewed out because I didn’t own a longer raincoat. Yep, told that this constituted “poor self care.” I was a “danger to self” because I’d gotten wet on a cold, miserable day and this was therefore “self harm.” This was one of my better therapists, by the way.

It looks like walking in the rain didn’t cause permanent harm. I was healed from the rain after I got home and put on dry clothes. I felt fine and didn’t “catch” a disease.  It took far longer than that to heal from “therapy.”

I didn’t bring an umbrella to Uruguay. It would have been too much to put into a suitcase and could have been flagged as a “weapon.” I did bring a raincoat, a yellow slicker I picked up at a food pantry/clothes closet a while back. I bought galoshes for the winter mud after I arrived here. I should have packed my warm boots but they were heavy.

I didn’t heat my home for most of the winter. That’s not self harm. Many don’t here and they aren’t called loco, they are thrifty. Today, I am thriving and happy and I can say that all the lessons I learned in “care” are completely irrelevant.

I taught myself how to do some home repairs. I taught myself computers. I taught myself how to act in the real world. Therapy only taught me myths. I came here not knowing any Spanish and now I know quite a bit. A therapist would have claimed I was “manic” and tried to stop me.

Today I am going to an escribana to have papers signed. A bunch of us are going together. We are having papers notarized and here, this is how we have our signatures witnessed. We are doing this as a group to help free a man from a mental prison. The papers will go into court.  This is a proud moment for me, the second time I have been a witness in a court case.

Back in the USA, I never served on a jury. My therapist wrote a note for me declaring me incompetent so I wouldn’t have to serve. I didn’t want to because I was in school and would have to miss classes if I served on the jury. Other students could get out of jury duty but since I was part-time, I couldn’t.

While browsing You-Tube (goofing off) I found this…er…disorder

So an autoimmune disease treated with psych meds? Yep, happens more often than you think. I know people who had autoimmune diseases that ended up on the wards. Actually, Celiac Disease is an autoimmune disease, is it not? I’ll bet a huge number of people are told they have a “brain disorder” and all their lives never know their problems were caused by something else entirely. I wonder if Louisa had to see a “therapist” too….Or if they did the right thing and kept shrinkage from ruining her life.

Honestly, I wish I could sleep for a week right now.

Oh wow…but I seriously can’t run on sand….

Race, April!

Race April 2015

I think this one is a 10k, but I am not sure. I am positive I can do it! I ran maybe 11k today. I need to check on the map because I think my pedometer is reading high. It said 7.8 miles when I checked it after my run. 10k is more like 6.2 or 6.3 miles. I never calibrated my stride, running or walking, just put in my height. I’ve been running every other day, about 10k.

I feel wicked good about everything. Running for my life away from shrinkage was the best thing I ever did! My dad would be so, so proud of me! He was once president of Massachusetts NAMI but I’m sure he would be rolling over in his grave if he knew NAMI took bribes from the pharmaceutical companies.

I need to find the exact date, and how to sign up. This may be a full marathon (which I don’t want to even think about doing) however I am fairly certain there’s a 10k option and maybe 5k too. Some races do it like that.

Do you really think I bought funeral insurance?

Speaking of government mailings, what age are people when they start mailing that “funeral and burial insurance” crap? Fifty. Okay, they tell you if you PAY them from the pittance they give you, you can rest assured that even though you are a burden to your family now, you won’t be a burden anymore after you die.

Guess what? I want to burden my family plenty. As much as I can. Drive it home. They could have loved me but didn’t.

I have no life insurance.I’m not worth insuring. I don’t want anyone benefiting from me dying. I have no will.  What’s to give away? It’s all gone.

Why do some elderly people appear to “give up on themselves”?

Perhaps you have seen this. An elderly person takes up drinking. Or won’t leave the house. Maybe he won’t dress for days. He doesn’t enjoy things anymore. He might stop eating. He might say, “What’s the use?” a lot.

He stops caring for himself because he is neglected. This isn’t a feeling, it’s fact. His family doesn’t bother visiting anymore. He is alone every single day.  Half his friends are dead, and keep dying. He is told he’s a useless leach because he collects Social Security. The government mailings that appear in his mailbox make it absolutely clear, “We are giving you the minimum, making cuts whenever we can. You aren’t worth it to us. In fact, we’d rather you died so we didn’t have to pay you at all. Here’s an offer for funeral and burial insurance.”

Hmm…Can I relate? I sure can. I saved a few of those government mailings from the States. They’d tell me that since I had a cost of living raise they were lowering my food stamps. Only the bare minimum. That’s all I “deserved.” Condescending.  They sure drove the point home in their notice to me that it “wasn’t necessary” to send any further paperwork for “redetermination of disability” benefits.  No need. The letter was so insulting I felt written off. I felt good, though, that I wouldn’t have to go to a “doctor” to “prove” anything. I hated the doctor.  I hated everyone.   By then, I was unemployable due to having been out of work so long, and no one local would hire me cuz they “knew.”

Well? I never quite wrote myself off. Only I almost did. Can you blame me?  I look back on the horrors I left behind, and shudder. It was like living a nightmare.

I have a new life now. I have a second chance. I have been happy, having fun, laughing, sharing, actually making something of myself. Sometimes I think the USA should go screw, especially their medical establishment. What a bunch of haughty know-it-alls.

I think of the nonsense they tried to tell me: “You don’t belong in grad school. You will never make it without day treatment.” Translation: “We think you aren’t capable of grad school. We are threatened by underlings who prove us wrong.”

“You NEED the state hospital.” Translation: “We need you put away so you will quit blowing the whistle on us.”

“You don’t know your own body.” Translation: “We own your body.”

“We know you better than you know yourself.” Translation: “We don’t follow confidentiality laws. You aren’t worthy of that kind of respect.”

“You NEED these pills.” Translation: “We need to push just a few more to win that vacation promised to us by the drug companies.”

I am not the only one. So many are shoved aside. It ain’t just young people that end up disenfranchised.

No one tells me that shit now. No one. I sure ain’t going back.

 

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 518 other followers

%d bloggers like this: