Monthly Archives: May 2013

Human interaction

According to my Google Voice records,  the last phone call I received on my home phone number was two days ago from person X.  We spoke for about 15  minutes about how on earth I was going to get care.

So far, no such “care” has happened.

What the heck is “care” anyway?

According to my Google Voice records, my CBFS worker called three days ago and I told her I did not want her to come over here, but I gave her permission to phone me.  She has not phoned since, however I do know that she does not work Thursdays or Fridays. She is rather useless and I see no point in talking to her anyway.  I’ve discussed this enough on here and I don’t want to get into it further right now.

Now regarding this “care,” I’m supposedly going to get a “therapist,” but so far, no “therapist” has phoned me and said, “Hey, Julie, I’m so-and-so and I’m from such-and-such agency, and person X or your CBFS worker has contacted me and I’d like to set up and appointment with you….”

I did ask my CBFS worker to inquire about therapists, and person X is supposedly looking into the matter as well.  If, indeed there are openings….Person X was going to speak, I mean have an actual voice-to-voice conversation with said therapist….I guess this has not happened.

Actually, it was two weeks ago that my CBFS worker was supposed to get back to me about the matter of the therapists, and she did not.

But more than this so-called therapy, I need a medical appointment.  Now it is late Friday and no medical appointment has happened.  I guess my doctor has been poisoned, as I said in my previous blog entry, by a spiked pina colada, while vacationing in Aruba.

Person X said that if she could not get my regular primary care doctor to TAKE ACTION, she would find another doctor for me.  So maybe that’s what’s in the works.  I’m kinda scared to make any phone calls to find out whatever bad news is in store for me, such as….

…there is a six-month waiting list for doctors….

…there are no primary care physicians specializing in eating disorders that take Medicare and Medicaid (actually, I’m sure this is true, it’s got to be) that accept ADULTS……

….Julie, you are fucked……

Guess what?  I am 55 and alive, and you know something?  The doctor who told me, back in the 1980’s, that eating disorders were not very important, that they were minor and that people with eating disorders were probably “faking it” and that he would not even bother seeing me because schiz and bipolar were oh so much more serious….

He’s dead, of course.

More power to me.

Well, the time passes, the phone has not rung in two days, but I did make a business call I think the night before last that (as I think I told you) I sort of screwed up and resulted in the clearing out of my checking account.  I now have negative balance in there due to a red tape error.  No, I have not lost money or fallen for a scam, it was just a paypal thingy. I was dealing with an honest company and it was not my fault or the fault of the company, the whole thing happened  in a flash and then I figured it out, but I’ve got money in temporarily locked my paypal account instead of my checking account. Anyone who does business with PayPal knows the deal, and has probably made the same error.  On the third, namely Monday, I will get my federal check.  The remaining negative balance will come out of that, and then I’ll have something in my checking account again…until it all runs out rather shortly.  And life goes on.  I have never before overdrawn my checking account so I have no clue what the overdraft fee will be.

Bigger than a breadbox?  Or do we not talk about food?

And I have $13 left in food stamps and thankfully, some cash, and Puzzle has plenty of meat (which is why I only have $13 left in food stamps to last me till the 11th).

But I wasn’t going to talk about all those minor glitches.

Every doctor on the planet is off for the weekend and taking the next month off, folks.  There are no covering doctors, so don’t have appendicitis or break a bone or you are screwed.  Never mind something trivial and vain such as an eating disorder.  Those things can wait, right?  I’ve been waiting for “care” for 34 years now.  Maybe I’m just “faking it,” like that doctor said back in 1982, shortly before Karen Carpenter died.  Only the doctor himself died, so we can’t really cross-examine him on the witness stand.  Maybe he is only playing dead, but he’s been playing dead a while himself.   I mean, when they rolled back the stone and found Jesus not there, it had only been three days.  If we roll back the stone on this doctor, it’s sure gonna stink bad, whether he’s there or not.



Friday, and life goes on

I was told on Monday that I should see a doctor immediately, preferably that day, even though it was Memorial Day.  Person X tried to get me an appointment, but I guess there was no communication, or she communicated with the wrong people.

I do know she has communicated directly, that is, voice-to-voice, actual conversations, with the head of Team 2 of CBFS.  However, CBFS is a totally useless organization that does nothing.   I mean, they are not even going to give me a RIDE to the doctor’s, so what’s the use of talking to these people?

I guess there is still no communication with anyone medical.  It’s mid-Friday and I have not seen a doctor, not had any blood tests, not seen a stethoscope, not had an EKG, not had my blood pressure taken (not that I need it) not been weighed…and I sure don’t WANT to be weighed but you get the point.

Are all these MD’s on vacation?  Are they all on pregnancy leave?  Have they all been in car accidents?  Are they all in comas?  Maybe they are all in Aruba, sipping on pina coladas.

Friday, and I am still alive, and meanwhile someone has slipped poison into those pina coladas.

There is a difference between a problem and an inconvenience

Well, like I said, my credit card number got stolen.  This was an inconvenience, not really a problem.  It’s all taken care of and I’m still living and breathing and Puzzle is fine.  I still have a roof over my head.  Not only that, the roof didn’t even cave in.

Another inconvenience was the fact that somehow, I sat on my glasses. Just an inconvenience.  I have spares, but I’ll have to get a new pair of spares, cuz klutz that I am, the spares are likely to get broken or lost or whatever, too.

Now I’ll clue you in on a secret: You don’t have to pay a zillion bucks for a pair of glasses.  Think about it. What it really depends on is the following:

How often does your prescription change?  If you are like me, your prescription changes wildly from year to year.  I don’t know why this keeps happening.  Maybe it’s my age.  Maybe it’s that I’m extremely nearsighted.  Or maybe it’s the eating disorder.  But it’s pointless to buy a pair of glasses that is going to last me five years.  So I buy el-cheapos.  They don’t last long but nor will my prescription.  I’ll be seeing the doc (now, he’s an MD, so this gets paid for by insurance) and getting a new prescription, and getting a new pair of el-cheapo glasses and they’ll last a year or so.

However, if your eyes don’t change, if they stay the same year after year after year, go ahead and pay good money for glasses.  You want a pair that lasts. 

Above all, do NOT get that “glare-proof coating.”  Now remember, these opticians will swear up and down by this coating.  They will guarantee it for a year.  So you want your glasses to last how long?  Over a year, of course.  I’m telling you, the “coating” will get foggy after a month and you will be sorry you got it.  After a year or two, the coating will be all bubbly or something, and your glasses will be completely useless.  You won’t even be able to donate them to charity.

Okay, so much for my diversion about glasses.  Like I said, somehow, I wrecked up my other pair, and I’m wearing my “less favorite” spares and I need a new pair so I can have two pairs, in case such bad luck should happen again.

So meanwhile, more bad luck.  I made a teensy purchase on ebay.  Just a little desk item I thought I’d want, just over $10.  No communication from the company, and I thought, “Gee, this is weird.  Never happened to me before.  Maybe they just don’t send out notices and the package will magically appear in my post office box.”  But it hasn’t yet.  And no communication from the company.  A bunch of days ago I put in a claim with EBay.  I will get my money back and these guys will get into deep shit trouble, I suppose.  Or a slap on the wrist.  It’s up to EBay.   Or my package will magically arrive.  But of course, this is not a problem, this is an inconvenience.

So I ended up with again more bad luck.  I purchased a new cell phone, a refurbished one.  I am not fond of the model but it will do.  After a zillion bits of frustration with it, and communication with the cell phone provider, we together realized that the device is defective and I should communicate with the vendor.  I did so.  The vendor responded reasonably quickly and sent an RMA number.  They were quite apologetic and are even going to refund my return postage for sending the cell phone back.  I made sure to put all my addresses and pics and everything onto the little MicroSD chip I had inserted into the cell phone, and made sure I took the chip out of the cell phone before putting the cell phone into the envelope.  Again, this is an inconvenience, not a problem.

I will soon have a new cell phone delivered and hopefully the new one will work just fine.  I have the new service all set up and the number all set up and the company people are very nice.  And I am ever, ever so experienced as to how to get a REAL, LIVE customer service rep immediately, so that’s why I am sticking with this provider.  They have been quite polite with me and I am impressed so far, although the cell phone itself, the device seems to be rather mediocre, but that might be because the device I received was defective anyway.

Did I tell you I think I fractured my finger recently?  It’s on my left hand. My left index.  It seems to be healing fine.  There wasn’t much that could be done about it, so I didn’t bother seeing a doctor or anything, and I am very, very right handed.  It didn’t affect my ability to do anything, although I did not attempt to knit.  I feared that it would affect my ability to knit, so I decided I would not knit until the finger was healed.  I am so fortunate that the pain seems to be going away and I believe I will be able to knit when I decide to attempt to do so.  Again, a mere inconvenience…it was my left hand, not my right, and I am right-handed.  Oh, if you are wondering how it happened…I was walking out the door with Puzzle one day and closed the door, just the usual way I do, and somehow, my finger ended  up slammed in between the door and the door jamb.  It kinda hurt and I think I said a swear word very quietly to myself and no, the neighbors did not hear me say it. Or maybe I just said, “Ouch.”

Okay, more bad luck.  I had an expense to do, something that had to be done, and I was trying to do it via paypal.  Well, I was trying to do it online and the website had a glitch.  So I called the company.  This is a reputable honest company, no problem there, just some business I had to do.  As I have said, my BofA CC number got stolen.  I wanted PayPal to charge my other CC.  So I had that all arranged and was trying to have this happen online, but feared that it would happen twice and no way was I going to let this happen, so I made the call and got a very nice salesperson immediately.  The sale went through.

But guess what?  Paypal changed my bank account and not my CC.  There’s no money in my bank account.  It’s the end of the month, bitches.  So my bank account got wiped out and the rest of the money got charged (thankfully) to the CC that works.  Thankfully, I realized this right away, and called the company and had it all reversed.  They were very kind about it and didn’t make me go over to  PayPal, which is an impossible site to navigate, to deal with the whole thing.

Again, an inconvenience, not a problem.  I still have a roof over my head and it has not caved in.

So far, I have spoken of inconveniences.  Little things that clutter up our lives and take up our time and annoy us.  But really, life goes on, doesn’t it?

If you have an eating disorder, your life might not go on if you don’t get care.  This is what my PROBLEM is.  Thursday has now passed by and still, no medical appointment in sight.  I have made the statement that I will not go to this medical appointment until there has been voice-to-voice contact between X person, this person whom I trust, this person who knows me and knows ED and my situation with my ED and the medical danger that I may be in, and my medical providers.  Voicemailing back and forth is not acceptable communication to me, and I feel that I will not get adequate care if this communication, this real in-detail conversation does not take place.

All the above mentioned stuff, all those details, are mere inconveniences, bitches.

By the way, you folks with ED are going to see some action soon on the political front.  I promise.

Link: Pay careful attention to the Dan Markingson case

This link will open in a new window or (more likely) tab.  So you won’t lose your place here.

Be careful when you enroll in these “studies,” folks.

See ya later.


A number of humans have reached out to me lately and I am grateful.  I am surprised, actually, cuz I am such a bitch, yet folks really have been so kind to me.  Every little bit means so much to me.

It’s so tough when you don’t have the care you need.  I am trying but I can’t seem to get anywhere.  I still don’t have an appointment with a doctor.  Tuesday is over now.  My new cell phone was working but it made beeping sounds, which was annoying, so I shut  it off and contacted the people who sold it to me and am now using my usual Welfare one, but that doesn’t matter, I still should have gotten the call about the doctor appointment.  I have made many calls and still no appointment.  I need blood tests and an EKG at least.

For god sakes, I should have had these weeks ago, a month ago or so.

I just love it when a doctor sticks a stethoscope at your chest and says your heart sounds great and you are just fine, and then you wonder how this doctor knows, because the stethoscope has not even touched your shirt!  This is how they operate on the psych units, I have seen doctors do this, pretend to listen to hearts and then say the patient is fine.

Oh, such baloney.

As soon as I am feeling just a little bit better, I promise you guys, I am going to be speaking to our state rep.

Squeaky wheel, squeak on.  I will never, ever shut up.  I promise.


Bad luck

So in the past week or so, I have sat on a pair of glasses and broken them.  Luckily, I anticipated someday having this sort of bad luck, so I do have a spare pair of glasses.  I advise anyone with poor vision (mine is around  -12) to have spare glasses.  You never know when idiots such as careless nurses or EMT’s might accidentally lose them if you are hospitalized or whatever.  And you’ll never get them back, trust me.  I’m sure they have a back room full of glasses belonging to dead people somewhere in some back room in every hospital, and when people come into the hospital and they can’t see, some nurse goes into that room full of spectacles, grabs one pair, goes to the person, and says, “Try these on, honey, do they help?”  And if they do, voila!  That’s recycling for you.

Anyway, I’m wearing my spares.  They are not so great, but they work.  Same prescription, I just don’t like them as much.

So another bad luck thing that happened was having my credit card number stolen.  I’m pretty sure who stole it.

And another bad luck thing that happened was that I bought a new cell phone and it is defective.  So I have to send it back.  It is activated and I have put money on it and that totally sucks.  I have contacted the company and I guess they will send a replacement…or they better.  And then I’m going to have to put more money on the new one just to activate it.

Meanwhile, I have to see a doctor.  Like right away. The human being I trust says I have medical issues that are important and I need medical tests done.  And every time I get on the phone, people complain that they hear beeping.   So thankfully, I have a spare phone.   The phone will run out of minutes…oh geez.

I don’t even want to leave the house.  I don’t want to wear clothes, only pajamas.

I don’t want to see a doctor.  I don’t want to see any humans.  I don’t want any humans to see me this fat.  I want to cut the fat off my body.  I don’t want to leave the house or have any humans see me until I lose this horrible weight.

I went to bed and woke up three pounds heavier.  That’s the other bad luck thing.  I don’t see how that can be possible.

I wish I had woken up dead instead.

My credit card number got stolen, Watertown bitches

So my card is canceled out.  I’m pretty sure how it got stolen.  Great town this is.  Oh, Watertown Strong, they say.  Bank of America is investigating.  Someone ordered a hefty bunch of concert tickets and charged them to my credit card a few days ago.  I hope they enjoyed the concert.  And I hope these folks enjoy their time behind bars.

I have a strange feeling some very fishy things are going on right down the street from here.

What I really wanted to say to the CVS guy, but didn’t

Actually, I was just about to leave, putting my prescription into my knapsack, and I was about to add one more thing to the litany of rude remarks I’d already said, but canned it before I said it. This is the remark I was about to make:

“I hope I am murdered on my way home.”

As you can see, I made it home fine, and was not murdered.

Oh boy. what fun at the CVS

I was such a bitch, and since I’m a bitch anyway, I really don’t care.   First of all, I had to get there before midnight cuz I had a coupon that was going to expire on the 27th.  So I got there and had to make sure I completed my purchase before the clock struck.  And I did.

I bought a bunch of contraband.  No food, just drugs that are really bad for you, or shall I say bad for me.  I got some coffee, too, cuz I’m running out and they had some on sale.  Big debate as to which type of coffee I should get, then I made my decision and went to the automatic teller.

So that got done before midnight.  Then I picked up a prescription.  The guy asked me if I wanted it on automatic refill or whatever.  I told him the following:

“No, because that means I’ll get all these calls that are nothing but recordings.  I like getting calls that are a real human voice.  It really sucks when all the calls you get are recordings, especially when you have no friends and no family.  I don’t even know why I have a phone.”

Then he asks me if I want to use my CVS card when I pay for the prescription.  I tell him, “Yes, because then I get some money back eventually.  Us folks on this Medicare and Medicaid don’t have money, contrary to the popular belief that we get our money free from the government, and that we actually get health care.  There is no care.”

He told me I should sign on the line on this thingy, which I did, and then I left.  Wow.  Guess I made his day, eh?  Or, should I say, night.

Appointment today

Yes, on Memorial Day.  There are two people on the planet I trust.  This was with one of the people.  She is going to talk to my primary care physician and she has also talked to the head of  CBFS.  She said I needed medical attention RIGHT AWAY (meaning today) and that I should see someone today, but I guess that didn’t happen.

I told this person that I trust I may have developed refeeding syndrome a while back and that I told my shrink and my shrink ignored what I was saying.  This person said I need to have a full workup right away.  But I never got a call about an appointment so I guess maybe tomorrow.

I took a lot of drugs last night.  A lot.  Just to keep myself from binge eating.  I wanted to knock myself out totally so that I would be incapable of going to a store and buying binge food.

You know how when you go to drugs dot com, and when you look up two drugs, you get a “high risk” warning about mixing two drugs?  I mixed two drugs you are not supposed to mix.  I figured that way, I would definitely be really out of it and incapable of doing anything.

No, these were not illegal substances. These were over-the-counter stuff plus the meds I am supposed to take daily.

So I took my usual pills I take every night, and I took this over-the-counter drug.  The usual dose is one pill.  You are not supposed to take more than one in 24 hours.  I took one, and nothing happened.  I think eventually I took seven.  These are sleeping pills and the damn things did not knock me out.  This did nothing to stop me from binge eating.

All I could think about was that nobody gives a damn about me anyway.  I walked in front of cars.  Of course, I knew they would stop.  I wasn’t trying to get hit.  I just didn’t care.

Nobody gives a shit.  Of course, people say they love me, but it’s lip service.  Ask someone for real help, and they back off and lie and make excuses.

That’s when you get dumped. They start lying, then after a while, they just dump you.  Or they lie and lie and lie and you get tired of hanging out with chronic, pathological liars.

Today I slept all day.  My CBFS worker, who obviously doesn’t give a shit, called and I said I was very busy sleeping.  We made an appointment for tomorrow, that is, she said she’d call tomorrow.  I really think she cares more about her phone than she does about me, and I can’t understand her on the phone cuz she  mumbles.

Sleeping all day was truly a blessing.  It’s better than eating. Anything’s better than eating.  I’m afraid to put even one bite of food into my mouth.  I think I might go back to bed soon.  I hope I die in my sleep.

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