I don’t know what to do

I don’t know what to do.  I am not having any overt symptoms of starvation.  I don’t know why.  I appear in every way to be fine.   I am not dizzy.  I am happy.  I don’t have palpitations.  I am not confused.  I can concentrate just fine.  I don’t get headaches.  I have not fainted.  I don’t feel particularly weak.  I do many things and have a full life.

Tonight, some of my friends suggested that I go to the emergency room.  Any of you who take psych meds know that you are not respected in ER’s if you take them.  They either poo-poo what you tell them, or think you’re attention-seeking, or med-seeking, or they automatically  admit you to a psych ward.  Besides, I have no symptoms.  What complaints can I present?  That I am starving?  What kind of sense does that make?

Well, I’m not eating enough, and I’m scared about what I’m doing to myself.

I did have a breakthrough recently.  I decided to be honest with my therapist.  This is something new!  She is hopeful.  She sees this as a turning point.  I told her I’d been lying to stay out of the ED hospital, and that I’ve been restricting and that I hadn’t followed my meal plan, not for a single day since I’d gotten out of there.  I had been lying.  Big lies.  And now she knows.  So therapy isn’t a big waste anymore.  But I don’t know.  She’s more hopeful than I am at this point.

Toward the end of our session yesterday, there was something I wanted to tell her, but was unable.  I wanted to tell her how much I weighed.  She hadn’t asked me.  I’d been weighed at the doctor’s when I’d been seen the day before.  She forgot to ask.  I don’t know if the number is important, but I weigh less than she thinks.  When she asked me how my eating was going, which of course we discussed for a while, she only believed what she wanted to believe: that I had improved since this “big breakthrough.”  I haven’t.  I have got to tell her this, because as we have established, “Every day is ‘Honesty Day’ at my T’s office.

So, “Ed.” take that.