One way to resolve past abuse

This idea isn’t mine. It’s second-hand, a method I heard about many years ago.

When a person is abused, undoubtedly many others are involved. Either there are more than one abuser, or there are bystanders that could have stopped it. Other people involved are those that may or may not believe the victim.

When you are a victim, you are confused over where or if to place blame. This leads to shifting the blame back and forth endlessly with no real resolution.

What worked for someone I knew was to go through all personnel involved. She looked at each person and decided on her own to blame that person or to realize that what happened was out of their control.

For instance, if a child is involved, it’s hard to blame that child for abuse since they are perhaps too young to understand. If you were abused by a parent while your five year old cousin watched and laughed, you may be angry, but later on, looking back, realize that of course that five-year-old was too young, and may have considered it all a game.

So this person I knew went though her family, friends, teachers, etc, each one at a time. She told me that she found this helpful. Asking yourself who is in control, who is masterminding the abuse is a question that takes a long time to answer. Sometimes, you end up blaming a concept, such as “Poverty.” Or, “A car accident.” Or, “The system failed our family.” Or, “Racism.”

I personally can go round and round in circles with the blame game. “I was only doing my job,” to me, is no excuse for abuse. I also know that it’s a very scary world out there for employees. If they tattle, they don’t just lose their jobs, they can get locked up. Or killed. Patients, too, are afraid to speak up when they see things that are very wrong. “Will anyone even believe me?”

I have no liking for blindly forgiving everyone. Frankly, forgiveness isn’t always the healthiest thing to do. Often, you have to put that on hold.  I don’t see that as a moral issue. If you don’t feel forgiveness in your heart, don’t lie and say you do.

Someone in USA mentioned “gratitude” to me recently. Of course, given my history, I reacted strongly to that one. How could I be called “ungrateful” if the one thing I feel in my heart is gratitude toward this wonderful country where I have been unconditionally welcomed? I’m grateful for my freedom. I am grateful that I do not have to prove myself to this person. And I feel totally misunderstood. In a way, I don’t even want to be friends anymore. I don’t like know-it-all attitudes. If you have never been there, don’t criticize.

One main reason for suicide threats, gestures, attempts, and suicide deaths is lack of voice in one’s community. This is where the Mental Health System fails miserably.

I believe most suicide threats, gestures, attempts, and completed suicides happen due to voicelessness. I believe this is the case more and more.

Decades ago, people became suicidal over the loss of a loved one, financial stress, possible foreclosure of one’s home, impending war, physical pain, or unbearable chronic illness. I see that changing.

I have not met one person who successfully committed suicide who had had no prior contact with the System. Perhaps they had gone to therapy, or visited an ER, or been on a psych ward. Not one had no prior contact, although I knew some who attempted without having had seen a shrink first.

It is certainly well-documented now that there is a direct correlation between antidepressants and suicide, and also between antidepressants and violence. Even the FDA has been forced to admit this and has placed warnings on some antidepressants. In fact, if you read the pharmacy inserts that come with almost all psych meds, you’ll see warnings about suicide. You may see similar warnings on other drugs as well.  I saw this warning on a cancer pill once.

However, I think another cause is voicelessness. What happens when a  person dies? They get a gathering in their name, don’t they? It’s called a funeral.

When was the last time you had a gathering in your name? When was the last time someone threw a birthday party for you? Ten years ago? Twenty? Was your last party your graduation party, or was that skipped over? Was the last party your wedding, decades ago?  Now, many people get ignored by family and friends, except for those Facebook greetings, many of which are now generated automatically.

We are all aware that our family and friends are going to wake up and realize we exist if we die. For those of us who are writers, we will see an increase in book sales if we die. Some people who never got a word in now have Facebook pages in their names. Memorial funds get set up. Maybe, a law gets named after the dead.  I want to ask why we don’t appreciate lonely people while they are alive. The voice they gain by dying comes too late, doesn’t it?

Following a suicide attempt, I think the worst thing you can do is to shut a person out of your life. Please, open your hearts to these people. I don’t think coddling is a good idea, but I don’t for one minute that turning your back will do anything but deeply harm the person.

Who is voiceless in your community or club? Is there one person who is repeatedly told, “We don’t want your opinion,” or, perhaps, “We aren’t interested in hearing what you have to say,” or, “That was a stupid question.”

If you have been to a mental hospital, how many times were you called into a team meeting where you were told, “You can speak now, but you only have two minutes.” Or, “I want you to sum up how you feel  in one word.” How many times were you interrupted mid-sentence, walked away from, or cut off before you had barely started speaking?

How many times did you try to bring up a crucial topic, only to be told, “You are triggering others and cannot speak of that.” Or, “You are interfering with other people’s treatment plans.”

After you left the hospital, did anyone even listen to you when you tried to say what it was like there? Did anyone even care? Were you told over and over, “Let’s not talk about war stories,” or, “That’s over with. Can’t we talk about something pleasant?”

How did you feel every time someone said,

“YOUR WORDS DON’T MATTER”

Maybe you agreed. You’re no one now. No good, a useless waste. Or maybe you got pissed off. Maybe you knew, then, that the only way to get anyone to listen is to die.

Or maybe you realize that if you scare people enough, they’ll start caring. People get scared because if you die, it’s on them, right? They have to pick up the mess and somehow let the world know, “It’s not our fault.” Do you realize that this is one big reason why families keep suicides secret? It’s not a secret that you are dead, but they sure don’t want to be blamed that you chose what you did.

Another reason families choose to keep suicides private is because they know the hospitals or therapists were at fault. The families fear that if they spoke the truth, exposing wrongdoings, the institutions they blame will retaliate.

All mental patients are deprived of a voice. Sure, it might not seem that way at first. At first, they’ll have family therapy sessions that give you a chance to speak to your family. How often does family therapy really accomplish that? Or is it a chance for families to speak out and ask questions, and the patient to be talked about in her presence. After they are all done arguing endlessly AND there’s still time, the patient gets to get two words in.

Two words.

All present are reminded of how ill the patient is. All are reminded that the  patient is mentally incompetent, what she says doesn’t matter or should be taken with a grain of salt.

If you think you’ve never been called incompetent, maybe you heard the “nice” version of it:

“You aren’t fully aware of your illness.”

“You lack insight.”

“You listen to Ed too much.”

“You’re psychotic.”

“You are oversensitive.”

“You take life too seriously.”

“You have anger problems.”

“You feel things too much.”

“You have forgotten due to shock treatments.”

“You have a perception problem.”

“Depression puts blinders on you.”

“You are only seeking attention.”

“You’re off meds.”

All of these are euphemisms for mental incompetence. What the clinicians are saying is that your word doesn’t matter, and their word matters far more. We are repeatedly told, in effect, to shut up. We are told we are lesser quality humans.

What can a person do? While most people don’t want the spotlight on them, no one wants to be told that they don’t matter. People do want special attention if it is due, such as after a big accomplishment. How would you feel if you prepared for a year to run a Marathon, made very good time, and then, no one even cared?

What if you came in first or second place in that race or contest, and then, when it came time to passing out the medals, you were passed by, as if you were invisible? Friends, if you are capable of imagining that scenario or if it has happened to you, then you know what it’s like to be known as a mental patient. When voicelessness increases, suicide does as well.

No one, except those that are making good bucks off of us, really gives a shit what we say or think. Not anymore. This does indeed make death look rather tempting for many people.

If you are hellbent on stopping suicide, this is what I think you should do. If you know your friend is voiceless, call her up. Invite her to coffee. Spend time with her. The more she is listened to, the better she will feel. Don’t call 911, or drive your friend to an ER and leave her there or send her to therapy. Doing so reinforces to her just how much you DON’T want to be with her. When you shove a person into therapy, you are saying, “The therapist is listening to you, so I don’t have to anymore. I’m off the hook.” Don’t limit your contact to Facebook only in the name of “boundaries.”  Please don’t give your friend the message that the only ones willing to listen are those that are being paid to do so.  Is this what you want to tell someone who is suffering?

Be her friend instead. Reach out. Care. Listen. You will save a life.

 

Hollering, hammering, sawing, drilling, shouting, arguing, your radio’s too damn loud

Last weekend some property near here was damaged. I can’t imagine the expense and inconvenience this caused the shop owner whose glass storefront was smashed in. She got someone in there right away to assess the damages. All week long, the usual loud hammering and drilling sounds have been ten times worse here. Since I moved in, the noise has been bad, and it was like torture living a block away from the carnival during tourist season. I told myself at that point that I wasn’t going to live another year here.

My neighbor got a new boyfriend at the end of tourist season. This guy is nothing but trouble. He isn’t capable of speaking apparently. No, he shouts  nonstop whenever he’s here. He has the most annoying voice I’ve ever heard. It’s like they’re all shouting right here in this room. This might be at any hour of the day, even 3 or 4am.

One day, I was sure she’d kicked him out for good. There was so much fighting, going on for hours. But no, he was back within a day, yelling at the top of his lungs as usual.

Last Saturday night, the shouting was so bad I wondered if someone was going to get killed. I am afraid to do or say much. I only try to reach out and hope I can help.

At 2am, we all heard it, that loud crashing sound. And the store alarm, which goes off all the time anyway. To conclude that it was him is going too far since I would only be speculating. All I know is that he sounded more pissed off than ever, and then, a lot of commotion and then the crashing sound.

I went out with Puzzle the next morning and saw the smashed in window. I confirmed that this happened at 2am. My friend said to me, “We really have to get you out of there.” I agree.

One more month and this contract is up. I feel good that I was never married to this place. In a month, I’ll be out. I have a place not far from here lined up. Sometimes, all I can think about is how much I crave privacy and quiet.

One more thing I really hated about Facebook

Now and then, I’d get a message either on my page or privately saying the following:

“I am not sure I want to be your friend since you are against recovery.”

Say what? Where on earth do people get that from? I do not use that word recovery (and I explain why) but certainly, I want more than anything to end human suffering.

I would also hear the following: “You shouldn’t talk about rights. We don’t deserve them. We’re sick.”

Huh?

I also heard, “Your experience was the exception. All patient care is kind.” That, in fact, is not true.

I want to tell some people the following, “Just wait till you end up with some abusive asshole for a doctor. If you are still alive, you might actually thank me.”

And I also heard, “We have to put up with inhumane care. How dare  you suggest that it could be otherwise?” Might I ask who is the one sending out a hopeless and negative message?

Or, “Yes, they put me in restraints, but I deserved it.” No one EVER deserves cruelty.

Then, I hear, “I broke a rule and that’s why they locked me in a room. It was fair. Their rules are important.” As are patient rights laws. But no, talking about rights is a sign of paranoia. Talking about rights triggers people. Because maybe I am correct after all, and folks are refusing to see the truth.

Was the entire American Revolution is based on paranoia on the part of the Colonists?  Did they need pills and treatment?  Yes, the Colonists were concerned about human rights. As were the Abolitionists. As were the Holocaust rescuers. As were those fighting for Civil Rights such as Martin Luther King. As was most of the world, in response to Hitler.

SO-CALLED “MENTAL ILLNESS” IS FIRST AND FOREMOST A HUMAN RIGHTS ISSUE.

What about animal rights? Or are patients well below the animals?

“We don’t deserve rights. Mental patients  like us are dangerous and sick and we deserve to be treated like second class citizens until we are ‘better.'”

You are still suffering immensely because you are accepting of all the bigotry aimed at you. If you want to call that “treatment,” go ahead, but that “treatment” won’t improve your life. Until  you learn to stand up for yourself and demand an end to cruelty, you are missing the boat. If you continue to be a recipient of inhumane care, you will stagnate. Or die.

“So you are saying diabetics should not take insulin, right?”

No, I am saying that to compare diabetes/insulin to emotional anguish/psych meds is a complete lie. Not only that, when doctors are taught in medical school to use this analogy with patients, the med students often point out that the analogy is false. However, these medical students are assured that lying to patients who are “mentally ill” is just fine.

No one “needs” psych meds. It is one of many options, but they don’t want us to know that the other options work better.

“How dare you say that I possibly someday I won’t need pills and therapy? I have a permanent brain disease. How dare you suggest otherwise? How dare you suggest that my disease, which I proudly carry around and show off, might not always be there?”

And again, I get accused of being “negative.”

Know something? If the medical students stick around long enough, they don’t even see us as human after a while. We’re objects, things, monsters, lepers, sinners. If you have ever heard them in their huddles, cackling away, then you know.

Or if you ever catch the staff rolling their eyes.

See you later, Facebook. I don’t need your baloney.