This is what I want and need: to be believed. Abuses at MGH and Mount Auburn Hospitals

This is what I want and need: to be believed. To be taken seriously. I had to get out of my life all the people who were convinced that what happened to me didn’t happen, or that it wasn’t as bad as I say it was, or that what I say is misperception resulting from some “disorder.”

1) To date, no one has produced evidence proving me wrong. Yes, i was told that the unit I was on at MGH didn’t exist. However, I know it did and from what I know, it still does.

2) I was told, “The sitters just sat there. How can you call that abuse?” This was told to me by someone who was not in the room at the time of these abuses. We all know that although most of these employees aren’t very smart, they know enough not to abuse if anyone’s looking. This is why many concerned relatives put hidden cameras in nursing homes and often have cameras watching their babysitters.

3) the accusation of psychological polydipsia was discredited long ago and verified a number of times by medical personnel.

4) I have my medical records from Mount Auburn which show, quite clearly, that I wasn’t suicidal at the time of admission, according to evaluation, and they knew this all along. The “suicide precautions” placed on me a few days later were completely bogus. They were put there right after the hospital heard from Dr. Pearson, my former shrink. Interesting, eh?  Upper management was well aware of the discrepancy. Toward the end of my stay the medical student told me all the doctors were in agreement that the “suicide precautions” were completely unfounded and unnecessary. They claimed that “one nurse” was holding out and insisting the sitters remain. This wasn’t true. It was a higherup name Bibek Kiorala who insisted on this based on the warning to him Dr. Pearson that I was a whistleblower.  A new ruling in 2009 determined that there must be firm and obvious signs of impending self harm, otherwise sitters will not be used. If you have had sitters watching you on a medical floor and you were not very clearly an immediate danger to yourself, the sitters were put there illegally. This includes people who are on medical floors for eating disorders. There are only two reasons sitters can be put on, serious fall risk and suicidality.

5) The records I received did not include nutritionist reports. That’s interesting, since much of my conversations with the nutritionists consisted of, “I am being abused. Can you do something about it?”

6) I reported to a patient advocate that I was being abused, and then I found out it was her last day on the job. I told myself she was bound to forget to tell her supervisor even though I begged her not to forget.

7) The records leave out the medical error of failure to verify the correct spelling of my name and other details when communicating with the pharmacy. I got an apology from the pharmacy months later.

8) An illegal search of my apartment was done without my knowledge. This was a violation of my Constitutional rights. What they did was not life saving nor vital to sustain human life. To this day I don’t know who ordered the search, nor who conducted it, but I know it was illegal to do this without a warrant.

9) I was wearing a medic alert bracelet, the red one you see in the You-Tubes I’ve made. The EMT’s failed to access the online information even though they verified aloud to me that they knew it was a medic alert bracelet.

10) My admitting weight and some subsequent weights were falsified. I am wondering if they wanted to disprove that I had an eating disorder and claim all my problems were psych. I weighed myself that morning on an accurate scale and had nothing to eat all day. How could I go from 78 (probably around 6am or 7am) to 96 before 3pm? That’s more edema than my body could have handled.  I don’t think I had edema when the ambulance was called.  Even Puzzle weighs less than 18 pounds.  Later, I was weighed by a sitter and she said I weighed 90, but she wrote down 97. When I left, I weighed around 96. That took 11 days. (I have a photo of myself at 80 by the way.)

11) The fact that I had gone into full code in the ER was deliberately hidden from me. I kept asking what they were keeping secret and was afraid something had happened to Puzzle. When I mentioned that a doctor had told me in the ER that I was in kidney failure, they looked at me accusingly and said, “Who told you that?” How I was revived is left out of my records but Full Code is in there.

12) My CBFS worker, who called the ambulance during a weekly visit to my home, failed to identify herself to the ambulance drivers. She had called them herself. They assumed she was a psych nurse and that went on record. Don’t those state people have business cards or policies? Yes, it says in my records that I was “found unresponsive by my psychiatric nurse.” That was the first sentence. Completely inaccurate from the start!  I wasn’t found unresponsive. She called me, I answered the phone, and when she arrive I opened the door holding Puzzle in my arms. I recall saying some sarcastic remark to  her after she came in and sat down.  Something like, “Oh, so you don’t know what anorexia is? Don’t you think it’s time you learned?”

13) Mandatory reporters are supposed to take the word “abuse” seriously. I told my outpatient psychiatrist many times of the abuses, and she then pronounced me “paranoid.” That’s funny, I’ve never had that diagnosis before.  I told her about David Joseph Alpert’s sexual advances toward me and she immediately yelled at me for “firing another one.” I think she should have listened. Many times at McLean I saw night staff sleeping on the job, some all night long, and this was one thing we patients enjoyed joking about. My outpatient psychiatrist said that it wasn’t possible and again, called me delusional. I think anyone out there who has been on psych wards knows what I am saying is entirely true. I said that the bathrooms were filthy, with piss on the toilet seats and sometimes visible chunks of shit were in the bathrooms. Again, Dr. Pearson called me delusional. I was the one who cleaned up those bathrooms, by the way, and the other patients told me they appreciated it. Do you see how this gaslighting is incredibly harmful to a person?

14) I knew what Dr. Pearson was doing was wrong. I suspected abuse for a long time. I have a number of  my sessions with her taped. Yep, taped. I was so scared I wouldn’t be believed. In the last session on July 10th, I have her on tape changing my diagnosis mid-sentence, again urging me to take antipsychotics, and also I have her on tape asking the name of my next primary care doctor and I saw her write it down. I’m sure Medicare still has records that I saw her on July 10th. A month later, she told Dr Kiorala that I had not seen her for months. She failed to tell him what meds she had prescribed for me which I was continuing to take faithfully each night. They called me a liar, over and over, and a poor historian. Yet they had to justify these several times in my record, as if they were very defensive about this claim. I’ve been told by legal people that although it was a minor offense to tape my docots without her knowledge (in MA) these legal advisors assured me that this wasn’t a punishable offense since I was TRYING to gather evidence of abuse. I wish I taped my sessions with Maria, the abusive therapist I saw.  Taping is entirely legal in some states.

15) I have evidence via past bloodwork that I already had kidney disease prior to August 2013. I have no clue why this very real and tangible evidence of kidney insufficiency was ignored and hidden from me. Their excuse? In 2012, after I was diagnosed with diabetes insipidus my PCP said, “Maybe you need a consult with a renal specialist.” I didn’t follow through. I was blamed for that, so they could cover their asses clearly, but it didn’t take a specialist to detect GFR that was under 40%. They knew all along!

16) I developed diabetes inspidus by my 27th birthday and for the next 27 years I was accused of self-harming by drinking too much water. They were wrong all along. It took 27 years for them to finally diagnose diabetes insipidus. I was on lithium from 1984 until 1996. It can be easily detected by measuring urine volume.

This is only a small fraction of the wrongs. Do you see malpractice here? I sure do. Even a doctor did recently. A shrink who posted this to me on an online forum. Not an MIA forum.

Okay, now do you believe me? My friends do. Those who aren’t my friends anymore? Probably not. Those that think I’m paranoid are themselves completely deluded by diagnosis.

One person mentioned that he got evaluated so that the harms were clearly documented. He suggested that we demand that our former providers pay for our subsequent care. My main complaint is trauma. That won’t take much effort to prove, since there is physical evidence of extreme stress via hormone secretion, etc, which is most likely preventing sleep. I could use some “help” right now. No, not pills, but alternative medicine. Who do you think should pay for it? Much as I hate admitting it cuz I am so scared of doctors due to severe trauma.

If you believe me let me know. I feel rotten to the core and exhausted as usual. So sick of wishful thinking that never comes true.  I wonder if my friend is right who said I could fall in love tomorrow and all could change for the better. I need to be believed, validated, and  heard. Is that too much to ask? It doesn’t cost a cent.

What do you really want?

This is a good question to ask oneself now and then. I don’t know what you want but I can tell you what I want.

I want my credibility back. That is, I want to be trusted and believed just like everyone else is. I am tired of bring seen through other people’s “take her with a grain of salt” filters. Thankfully, most of those people are out of my life now.

I had to face the facts. Why even bother trying to communicate with someone who only sees me as “crazy”? It’s worse when they don’t admit it but make it obvious in other ways.  I would encourage anyone in this position to ditch those who don’t believe your story.

I was thinking today about someone who no longer is my friend. I remember one day, must have been the beginning of September 2011, she chewed me out.  I look back and wonder if she was drinking at the time. I sure didn’t need a lecture. I was tired of being accused of faking my need for water. I was tired of being told that MGH was right to deprive me of water. How could anyone judge, if they didn’t know what it was like to be me?

I am angry that it took 27 years before the diabetes insipidus was diagnosed. I look back and marvel at the fact that for nearly three decades, no one even thought to measure output volume. I repeated over and over that I really did need a lot of water. Instead of confirmation,  I got a slap in the face and was told I was “faking it.” Or “self-harming with water” when I was only thirsty. Decades of that bullshit! I am angry about so many things. For failure to see the truth, and failure to listen.

Now, I am finding out that many others who took Lithium are still being lied to. I am not the only one. I heard that a lot of what happened to  me is gross medical malpractice. Yeah, no kidding. They will lie and lie and lie to avoid admitting fault.

Isn’t that what we are told in Driver’s Ed? That if in an accident, do no admit fault. Know something? If I were at fault, I would admit it right away and APOLOGIZE. I think right now an apology would mean so much to me, much more than money. Although others are telling  me they would like to see their abusers in prison. I wouldn’t. I would rather m make peace with my past. I am a believer in restorative justice. If I had my way, all those parties who wronged me would promise that they would never do the same thing to another person and will actively work to stop others from abusing in a similar manner.

I dream of this. That someday, instead of cyberbullying me, I got a real apology from some former provider who harmed me, or some staff member who treated me with disrespect.

“I’m sorry I assumed incorrectly about you. I should have asked, but I didn’t.  From now on, I won’t stereotype people according to diagnosis and I will work to end psych diagnosis harm.”

“I’m sorry I believed your old medical records even though  you provided what was a very accurate update. I’m sorry I believed the other doctor’s opinion over what you were saying. I’m sorry I didn’t listen. I support the end of records-sharing unless the  patient specifically requests it.”

“I’m sorry I interrupted you. I’m sorry I walked out on you. I’m sorry I treated you like a kindergarten kid.  I realize that I was rude and disrespectful.”

“I am sorry I purposefully shoved you. I will stop working in health care since I cannot control my violent urges.”

“I’m sorry I obeyed orders even though I knew that what I was doing was wrong.”

“I’m sorry that I assumed you were psychotic when you mentioned abuse. I realize that as a mandatory reporter, I should have investigated your claim. I am sorry that I assumed you were ‘just angry.'”

“I am sorry  that I didn’t recognize the signs of trauma. I am sorry that I denied that you were abused.”

“i am sorry I acted in an antisemitic way. I will stop practicing my profession and learn about racial and cultural profiling.”

“I am sorry I was manipulative. I will stop doing therapy and not practice again until I have worked out my own deep-set control issues.”

“i am sorry I believed the rumors.  I won’t listen to gossip anymore. Instead, I will speak out against it.”

“i will turn in my license and apologize to those patients that I made sexual advances to. I will work to end sexual abuse in therapy.”

“I will return to my home state and serve the prison sentence I avoided. I will turn in the license I got in the other state. I will apologize to others.”

“I know I cannot bring back those who committed suicide because of my manipulative actions. I will confess to the courts that I provoked patients to suicide.”

“I am sorry I threatened and I realize that threats harm people.”

“I am sorry I wrongly accused. I realize that such accusations are demeaning and insulting.”

“I am sorry I deliberately turned my back. I will speak out against that type of behavior and work to end such bigotry.”

“I am sorry I didn’t listen and instead, jumped to conclusions. I realize I was wrong. I judged you based on some doctor’s wrong diagnosis.”

“I’m sorry I jeered at you. I’m sorry I gossiped. I am sorry I called you names behind your back.  I am sorry I rolled my eyes, and I realize that such gestures harm others and give a clear message of disdain.”

“I will uphold the sovereignty and dignity and worthiness of all humans. I will stop referring to certain patients as Sub Human PIeces of Shit.”

“I am sorry I acted like a haughty know-it-all.”

“I realize that my actions killed a person’s soul and caused them so much harm that they no longer wanted to live.”

“I will immediately apologize directly. I will not apologize for my victiim’s feelings but will apologize for my wrong actions that caused these feelings.”

If you abused, apologize, for godsakes.

I think I make myself available enough. I am waiting for that apology.  Just one would mean the world to me.  It’s so sad that the ones who apologize are so often not the ones responsible. I feel sad that some people feel responsible for what happened to me when really I have no issues with them. Why is it that the real abusers are allowed to keep abusing? They love ruining their victims’ credibly by trashing reputation.

It’s also sad that there are people out there I would like to apologize to but they have cut me off. No chance now. I guess they don’t want an apology. They only want to stay hateful.

Dang.